The Peanut: The World's Best Legume

Everyone knows that the peanut is the worlds worst nut. The Loralie Leslies (for another time) of this world will, with undeviating consistency and swiftness, bring up the point that "well... ACTUALLY,  the peanut isn't a nut at all, but a legume... and blah blah blah about how the tomato is not a veg but a fruit, and something else about how unrealistic the movie "Jurassic Park" was because of yada yada yada. We get it, you've contributed to 147 Wikipedia pages, and [insert title of any movie made after a book here] wasn't like the book. But for those of us who don't speak Klingon, Serpenteeze (or whatever the Harry Potter one is called), or Elvish the peanut is the worlds worst NUT.

Proof? Uh.. tons. Where shall I begin? 1.) When you (and when I say "you" I mean, everyone in the world) buy a can of mixed nuts you eat all the cashews first, the pistachios second, then the almonds, Brazil nuts (which ironically are farmed primarily out of Bolivia), the walnuts if you're desperate, and then you're left with  a can 3/4 full of peanuts. You stare at it for a second... eat a couple because whatever, they're there, and any nut is alright in your book. THEN... without really thinking about it, you go put the can back in the cupboard. A few others will come along, open the lid, foolishly seeking out one more cashew that the last sucker may have missed. He'll rummage through hopelessly, give up, mindlessly put the lid back on, set it back in its place, and forget the whole thing ever happened. This sorry can, 3/4 full of peanuts, will just sit there... the hours turn into days, which turn into weeks. Other groceries push the can to the back of the shelf, unseen and forgotten. Why? Lack of motivation. It's the only explanation. Nobody HATES peanuts (except for those people who will die if they even smell peanut oil), but there's no motivation to eat a full can.

Now I'm not contending that peanuts don't have their place in this world. They do. Reese's PB cups are, quite frankly, evidence of a higher being. Other places where peanuts shine: peanut butter, PB cookies, Thai food, and, I guess you could argue, baseball games and airplanes. Now, it's a well known fact that peanuts taste better on planes. This is for a few different reasons.  I BELIEVE that the human body knows it's not supposed to be flying, and that at that altitude it's not like it can go foraging or hunting for food. So, I'm guessing it goes into starvation mode, and even something like peanuts taste like heaven during starvation mode. That's why the airlines do it. They know they can get away with supplying the cheapest nut on the planet and still please the masses. The first airline to make the switch from peanuts to cashews will make hundreds of millions more in annual profits (despite the increased cost of supplying a superior nut), because people will line up like a new iphone is coming out to buy a plane ticket from an airline that understands them. But I digress...

The reason I'm writing this post today is because I've made a phenomenal discovery. Something huge; huger than huge. Even bigger than the time that one stay at home mom discovered this one weird little trick to get killer abs in just eight days, or whiten your teeth in a night. You all know what I'm talking about. Anyway, THIS IS BIGGER THAN THAT! I've discovered that there is a way whereby a stand alone, unsalted, roasted peanut can be delicious without you being on a plane or literally starved. Did you hear what I just said!? UNSALTED! Ok, here it is... Apparently, you can actually buy peanuts in raw form (i.e., not roasted). My wife picked some up from an Asian market the other day for a recipe. Anyway, you don't want to eat them raw like that. Believe me, I tried; just take my word for it that it wasn't pretty. However, if you heat up the oven to about 350 degrees and roast them yourself for about 7-8 minutes, they're delicious. No salt needed. Side note: they smell like I imagine heaven to smell. I think the Asians have been doing this for years, and I can't figure out for the life of me why they've been holding out so long. It doesn't matter now; I've gotten ahold of their secret and written it in plain English. Anyone with half a heart will spread the good word so that others may find comfort in this discovery. Godspeed.

And for the record, for a legume, the classic peanut found in a can of mixed nuts ain't too bad. Probably the best legume out there.